Fresh fruit, barefeet, running shoes...

Ahhh...summer. It's finally here. The time that all of us wait and work towards all year. There is something about the summer that breathes relaxation. I find myself at incredible peace in continuing in this journey and adventure I am on.

The year has brought many different stresses of life: work, moving, being away from those I love, etc. The summer has somehow breathed life back into me in many different ways.

One of the things about moving all the way cross country is that I have been forced to build and create something different away from all that I have created the past 24 years of my life. This has proven to be a big challenge. Moving, as I had hoped, has brought me to my center and looking inward as to what I hope to create for myself moving forward. Everytime I visit home, I always tell people that my life back east is all about my friends and family. It is about social events, parties, gatherings and obligations and all that was my livlihood. California, is soley about me. It is about learning to be on my own, learning to turn inward when I have no one else to turn to but God and myself. I have pushed and pulled and writhed and lost sleep over trying to "figure everything out." The voices playing in my head are extremely frustrating, but what I found is that the harder I try to figure it out, the less things fall into place.

I had a professor that always used to tell me this. "Hallie, stop trying to figure it out!! Let your life reveal itself to you." Yeah, right. I thought the exact same thing as you probably are thinking right now! What the HELL does THAT mean? Reveal itself?! That is a load of bull, if I've ever heard it. The past few months however, this concept has continued to remind me of those classes I sat in back in college. With not a huge social network, working from home, not many obligations in California, I was finding this whole "reveal itself" concept to be an entire load of crap.

All that changed about a month ago, when I decided to focus on what is most important in this whole equation: me. Life is so busy sometimes, and so filled with so many obligations we make to one another, to our partners, to our work, to our family and friends, we forget to take care of ourselves and take moments to relax and just BE. Let me personalize, I forget to take care of me. Lately, I have started focusing on eating really healthy, eating more fresh fruit and vegatables, drinking more tea, more water, reading books of interest, spending more time at the ocean, excercising/dancing as much as possible and my biggest venture was signing up for a sprint triathlon on October 10th benefiting the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society!! (donate here: http://pages.teamintraining.org/los/HermosaT10/hpopex sorry, that's my only plug)

I have been sleeping through the night (which was a problem for several months). I am more relaxed during the day with less anxiety and overall in a peaceful state of mind. I think I have realized that people will only learn to treat you the way you want them to, by the way that you treat yourself. If you take care of yourself first, while allowing others to happen to you and continue to stand your ground, the result can only be positive. We are the only ones responsible for how we percieve our lives and how others treat us. So, lead by example, and remember to set time aside for you and only you. The only person you have control over, is yourself.

Expect the Unexpected

It's funny living in LA. It's actually funny living in a place that you are not used to, did not grow up in, and don't entirely understand. I can say, that I am starting to learn about this place and it is making me think about what I want my life to look like. One thing that is extremely hard to miss is the "Hollywood mentality." I am so incredibly close to it out here, I can't help but to ponder what it's all about.

We are constantly exposed to the media. TV shows, magazines, tabloids, billboards; it seems that it is always being pushed in our face. However, if I may make a huge/general sweeping statement, I would say that America on the whole (or what is being pushed in our face anyway) is missing "it." It seems that so many people think that life, love and happiness is all rolled into one thing: money, fame and fortune. I tend to think that it is entirely opposite.

Its interesting how certain messages in life come to you at the exact moment you need them, and it always seems that they tend to get louder and louder every time they speak to you. If you have no idea what I mean or am talking about, let me explain. It is no secret that there are multiple stories (eh hem, Sandra Bullock/Jesse James, Tiger Woods, Brad Pitt) about infidelity, divorce, deceit and unfaithfulness in the media. It seems that every week there is a new couple that TV shows and magazines focus on; who cheated, who stole, who broke someone's heart, etc. What the heck is going on? Why are people doing such hurtful awful things? I started thinking about this, way back when all of the madness seemed to call out to me in some way in my own life as well.

I recently attended a church service in where the sermon talked about how many husbands and wives get divorced every year and that we are "missing it." About a week later, a friend recently told me that over 200,000 marriages will end every year before the first two years. And just the other day, I read an article in Psychology Today talking about marriage, expectations, love and our association to it and that we have it a bit backwards. I am starting to see a pattern and a trend, something that the vast majority of Americans tend to miss (I think).

I am beginning to realize that love, marriage and family is not what you see in the movies. It is not what you see on TV. It is not perfect, but actually completely imperfect, which is the biggest paradox of all. Our generation has been tricked. We have set ourselves up with crazy expectations and standards for our mates and our lives. The beautiful romantic movies and love stories we read about have us believing in perfect love. You see, before we even meet the person of our dreams, we have already clearly defined their roles and what they are going to do for us. We have outlined how they are going to fill our needs and live up to our expectations. SHAME ON US! How does this concept allow any two people to ever create anything together that is not located in the tiny box that we have created? We might not even know we have met the person of our dreams because we are too busy trying to match them up to the person we created in our heads. I think it all comes down to expectations.

I am someone who LOVES to look forward to things. I create these exciting little experiences in my head that I play out before even really experiencing them. Its fun, it gets me through my day, and I thrive on the enthusiasm of it. I am realizing, however, it is unrealistic to expect people in my life to live up to this tiny world that exists in my head.

So, what is my point? Each of us are different, and that is what makes love, life and creating life with someone so beautiful and mysterious. We don't know what is around the corner, and we cannot expect that our partners will know either. We need to communicate from a place of indifference with people, with a calm curiosity for another point of view, and appreciate that they come from a different place. This is how we grow and learn to become better people. Recognize that the only person who knows what you need, is YOU. Remember that you have all the tools to fill every need that you have, and the rest is all the icing.

Someone once told me that we shouldn't take life too seriously because none of us make it out alive anyway. At the end of it all, I want to look back on a beautiful, unexpected, mysterious dance that I created with the people and person that I love and the pieces of life I took from each one. We are the only ones in charge of our own happiness, and everyday it is a choice.

My choice is to journey on, love from a place that is completely selfless and expect only the unexpected.

My Pursuit of "Happy-ness"

If you were to ask me a year ago what made me happy, I would have answered you with something completely different than what I would say now. Moving all the way across the country has taught me so much about myself, and has revealed many things about life that I would have never guessed.

Being away from everything I know has certainly forced me to be even more independent. For the past 24 years, my life has mainly been about my family, friends and social outlets. I have always had a large network and support system, and have had people that are close to me surrounding me my whole life. Moving to California, I have started to realize that my life is starting to become less about the people I love and my social plans, and more about me. It is a crazy feeling, one similar to when I went abroad, to be stripped away from everything you know and left trying to figure out who the hell you are and what in the world makes you happy. It is a much more difficult answer to find than question to ask.

So what I have come up with is this: People can be unreliable. They move, things change, friendships end, people go in different directions, you lose touch, they cancel on you, disappoint, make you extremely happy, or extremely sad. I have also come to the conclusion that the only real person you can rely on is yourself. At any given moment, things can change. Nothing is certain, nothing is promise. Above and beyond, you are the only one who can make yourself happy.

I guess we all know this intrinsically, but somehow the answer to this question is seemingly difficult to find. What makes me happy? Well, I have put together my "toolkit of happiness" (if you will) and listed it below.

My Toolkit (reliable, safe, never disappointing, will not cancel on me)

- Dancing and performing for people

- Going for a long run to the ocean

- Reading a good book

- Going to the beach

- Exploring a new area

- Sitting at a coffee shop and writing

- Picking up a new hobby or sport

- People watching

- Listening to music, seeing a live show

- Taking pictures

- Shopping at open markets

- Watching the sunset

- Taking a yoga class

- Going for a long hike

I am still exploring the things that make me happy, and am in constant pursuit of my happy place. Little by little, I am finding that place. It is a strong and empowering feeling to know these things about myself and feeling completely self reliant and happy, each day.

What is in your happy-ness tool kit? :)

The Fear Factor

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real secure in the no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power."

Do you remember that feeling of when your mom used to drop you off with the babysitter or at daycare, or that feeling you got on the first day of high school, or first night of college? That initial feeling of panic and fear? The one that makes your heart race to your throat, and at any minute you feel you could vomit the imminent fear that inhabits your body and mind. It comes in waves. At some moments leading up to whatever the big event might be, you feel fine, and then others, you couldn't feel more unsettled or anxious no matter how much deep breathing, yoga or meditation you practice. This has been the definition of my life the past months leading up to this large, momentous event in my life. Tears, smiles, anxiety, excitement, and moments of utter terror have all crossed my path leading up to the moment when I looked back at my mom in the airport, waving and thinking that life would be drastically different the next time I see her.
This is the great paradox of life, isn't it? The moment we feel we have it all down, something changes and we are forced to open the next chapter in our lives. For some of us, it's starting a new job, getting married, or moving to another country and others it might be having a new baby, changing careers, going on a celebrity world tour, or travelling on a trip with a new love. For me, it happens to be moving all the way across country. For as far back as my UNH days, I can remember talking about the prospect of moving west. On my trusty check list of things to do in my life, moving west was near the top. What I didn't anticipate in deciding to proceed with this life dream, was the fear factor. That anxious, make you want to vomit, fearing the unknown feeling.

I was on a run the other day thinking about this random fear factor I have been facing the past few months and thought about the two kinds of people in this world. Those that are driven, challenged and excited by their fears and those that are completely paralyzed by it. I have been feeling quite paralyzed in moments throughout this process of moving, but it has not stopped me from chasing my dream towards this instinct to get outside of my comfort and try big things. Now, don't get me wrong. I am scared sh**tless, excuse my language. More so than I ever have in my entire life. But something about that fear and that drive to do something bigger than myself, and bigger for myself, drives me in a way I might never be able to put into words. One large lesson I have learned in this process, is not to anticipate what is to come. All that we can do is participate in the moment at hand, and enjoy every little piece of it we get. For at some point, that moment and the moments making up your current existence, will ultimately end or change into something entirely different.

In the routine of our everyday lives, it is so easy to lose that drive. We go through the motions, sometimes forgetting to appreciate that which we may take for granted. My hope for my entire life to come, is to continue to find and do those things on my checklist of life to drive myself towards bigger and better. Maybe next time it won't be a move cross country, it might be something on a much smaller level. But I desire to always force myself to do, and go and travel outside of my comfort. To face challenge and the fear factor straight in the face, and find power, growth and strength in change.

When do you know you've made it?

For those of you who know me well, you may know that I have a guilty pleasure for listening to bad rap music (sorry mom and dad). I think it's the dancer in me, who knows. So, I was working out today, which by the way is where I have my most profound thoughts, and a song by this hella awesome rapper Maino comes on and he says in one of his lyrics (those of you who know it, sing along) "...mad that I finally done made it, take a look and you can tell, that I'm destined for greatness. Tell me what do you see, when you looking at me? Who I'm mission to be, what I'm destined to be..." I got to thinking about what he means by "making it." These thoughts probably also stem from my high powered weekend full of events.

Brian and the Jonas Brothers! were in Boston for the past few days. Courtesy of my favorite, the one and only Brian Samuelson, I as well as privledged family members and friends were blessed to hold onto a purple laminent with the famous JB logo pinned to the front of it. Now, to be clear, in "tour world" (as I think the experience of this weekend can best be described), these laminents grant those who hold them access to all that is restricted to the 30,000 some odd other fans swarming the premises of the concert venue. Needless to say, and I think all those in attendance this weekend can agree with me, that it is an all mighty powerful feeling to hold one of these prized, purple, all access passes. For many moments during the weekend, I almost felt as if, and like I could be, a part of it all.

As the show days progressed, I was able to see all the work that Brian does on a daily basis (also, for anyone wondering, the photo displayed here is credit to Brian and also posted to the band's direct website :) ). The days included meeting the gorgeous and bubbly American Idol winner, Jordin Sparks, the up and coming opening band, Honor Society, hanging out with Jordin's hilarious, down to earth, passionate drum player and watching the pop Jonas sensations eat dinner and play ping pong. The funniest part? It felt so normal, as if I were meeting real live human beings! I couldn't wrap my head around the whole thing; how human and real these people we create to be larger than life actually were.

As I sat in third row, watching Jordin perform and watching the drummer, Mike, who we had hung out with days earlier for an entire night, I was completely blown away by their passion and committment to their craft. I got to thinking: I wonder if in their minds, when they are in front of those 30,000 people sharing their passion, they ever think "Wow. I've made it. This is it."

Everyone has childhood dreams. Whether it be to be the best health care provider in the nation, the next top executive, the next President of the United States, the next Michael Jackson, or becoming america's next teen pop sensation. For some of us, we dream to be famous dancers, to meet famous movie stars, to become a famous photographer, to contribute to finding a cure for cancer, end world hunger, or create world peace. Maino (mentioned above) dreamed of being a rapper, Martin Luther King had a dream for a better world, Obama has a dream to turn our country around. Who was that teen idol you dreamt of meeting? For some little girls, it's the Jonas Brothers and for some little boys, now much older, it was to meet Brutus the Barber Beefcake, the famous wrestler, who by no stroke of luck I was also able to meet this weekend (and I'm pretty sure he made many grown men's dreams this weekend as well when he handed out signed color glossy shots of himself at the Garden).

Ok, ok, so the point, Hallie. My point is, everyone has a dream. And for a brief moment this weekend, I was amongst those who have made it happen for themselves and created the environment to display their passion to the world. My question to you: what is your dream? What keeps you lying awake at night, dreaming of the day you might be able to become that well known "insert dream here?" When do you, or have you, said to yourself, "I have truly made it?"

Once you know what that dream is, create it. Go out and reach for it. And when you get there, make sure you say to yourself "Self, I've made it."

Family, and that's it.

The move is getting underway! I took my first load of stuff home this weekend to dump at my parents house, and more importantly, had an excuse to go home for a little R and R with the fam (not that I ever need an excuse).

I have never considered myself a home body. Not that I have ever considered it a bad thing at all, but my mindset has always been to go out, seek adventure, don't go home. This is probably a product (again) of a family always adventure bound. Also from grand parents and a blood line merchant marines, and world bound travelers. For these reasons, it has always been in my blood to seek adventure and explore. However, lately, I couldn't be more of a home body. This is potentially because of my imminent future: moving to somewhere completely unknown. I guess I am attempting to soak in all of the comfort I can now, since I know that I won't have it any time soon once I move.In my new found attitude for life (or should I say, more heavily practiced attitude) I found myself enjoying all of those really small moments this weekend.

Families are fascinating, aren't they? Where else can you find a group of completely like minded people who know you inside and out? Who know what makes you tick, and what absolutely ticks you off! The weekend was a mish mosh of Mom's 20 questions game, Dad playing devil's advocate to anything possible and Carrie spitting off any questions from Mom that she felt were not worthy of an answer. I sat on the couch listening to our conversation on Saturday afternoon, analyzing this that and the other thing, and all I could do was giggle to myself and think: this is it. This is the only place on earth that I am 100% myself and 100% understood, 100% of the time.

To paint perhaps one of the greatest part of the weekend: picture this. Carrie is driving, I am in the passenger seat. Mom and Dad are in the back seat, and we are on our way back from an awesome Italian dinner to get a movie and snuggle up on the couch. Mom and Dad are PURPOSELY trying to get Carrie and I to cringe while joking about how they should make out in the back seat. The two of them are giggling trying to get our goat, while I crank the music to tune them out so Carrie and I can jam to Michael Jackson. Blasting Jackson Five's "I want you back", the four of us proceed to scream the song at the top of our lungs in tribute to the King of Pop himself. I cracked a smile and thought: GOD, what dorks! Any onlooker would think we are a bunch of nutcases right now, and many people probably do. But who the hell cares, because its who we are and who we've got.

The end of the weekend wrapped up with a sunny evening dinner on the deck. All I could think on the way home, was how lucky I feel to have a functional, happy family who can only be described as "painfully normal" with some pretty hilarious quirks. I only hope I can be as lucky to create what my parents have created for us. Through years together, they have managed to maintain the bond that started the whole thing to begin with. Through the ups and downs of life, through work that is always demanding, a world that continues to speed up and where broken is more of the norm, they have never lost sight of what is most important. Family, and each other, and that is it.

We all have our own unique family history, and stories. And God bless us all to never lose sight of this most important factor in life.

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."

My cousin sent me this quote this afternoon, and it matches the idea I had yesterday for this post. I thought it'd be appropriate to title, as this quote is one of the most simple, poignant lessons in life.

As I was driving home yesterday, amoungst the usual "masshole" (sorry if that offends anyone) drivers, finding myself all worked up over my commute, a commercial came on the radio that got me thinking. It was for Wendy's, I believe, and the commercial was referencing how fast we all move on a daily basis. The man made a joke about how, we are moving so fast that when we stop to grab a bite to eat, we usually wind up burning the top of our mouths because we are rushing to eat so fast to get to the next thing. "Work, work, work, go, go go!" The commercial then states how buying a Wendy's salad somehow makes you stop and enjoy the delicious taste of the tender bites of chicken and walnuts, blah blah blah. I got to thinking. This job in particular, has allowed me to slow down from my life and lately, this has been my absolute focus.

I have realized, that growing up in an active, involved, fast paced family has in some ways shaped the life I lead in my adulthood. This is what I have always known. Go, go, go. Do, do, do. Produce, produce, produce. Frankly, I'd say about 90% of our nation operates under these same pretenses. It is no wonder why people have chronic pain, stress and irritability. Our nation has engrained in us that we should always be looking towards the next thing to come. The future. Out there is where things will be perfect, right? Forget about right now, what about 5 years from now? 10 years from now?

Well last week, my body had had enough. My mind was so full of future thoughts. Where is my life going, what uncertainties lie ahead, what is going to happen when I move, what does my future hold? These thoughts on top of my go, go, go mindset caused my body to physically react to the stress I have been putting on myself. I had about 4 days worth of migraine headaches, which quite honestly, are agonizingly horrible and something I have never experienced before. A trip to the doctor and a few calming thoughts later, I came to a major revelation in my life. I may not know much, but I do know this now. Life is merely a compilation of small moments, day by day. None of us know what lies ahead; whether we will become the next movie stars, president, lawyers, writers, sales people, dancers, artists, executives, teachers or public figures. Whether our hearts will be broken by someone, whether we will have children of our own, live in another state, or another country. Whether our economy will continue to downturn or rise and prosper again, or whether hatred will end and peace will prevail. Whether we will be plagued with illness at a young age, whether we will live till we are 100 years old or die tomorrow. All we can do is live each day to its fullest potential.

Recently, I decided for myself that each day I wake up from now on, I am going to ask myself...what will I do today to make this day really worth it? What truly makes me happy, and how (in a world that is so INCREDIBLY sped up) will I take the time to slow down and enjoy the small moments in my day that fill my heart with the love I give?

A wise person tells me everyday, to take things one day at a time. Perhaps I haven't truly understood this concept until now. Today, my joy will be in small, simple things. Meeting a friend for coffee in the sunshine on the grass. My drive home to CT and all the small moments I spend with myself in my car, listening to music and feeling the wind on my face. The glass of wine I will share with my parents over conversation on the deck. These small moments are now ways I consider how to slow down in this fast world we are a part of. Like that feeling of buying a brand new dress, that's just waiting to be worn in your closet. Make each moment like that feeling. Because life is only made up of moments that matter, and if we move too quick, we will miss them all.

I am choosing to take this wise person's advice. One day at a time. And if you ask me, its a good day so far.