The Fear Factor

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real secure in the no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power."

Do you remember that feeling of when your mom used to drop you off with the babysitter or at daycare, or that feeling you got on the first day of high school, or first night of college? That initial feeling of panic and fear? The one that makes your heart race to your throat, and at any minute you feel you could vomit the imminent fear that inhabits your body and mind. It comes in waves. At some moments leading up to whatever the big event might be, you feel fine, and then others, you couldn't feel more unsettled or anxious no matter how much deep breathing, yoga or meditation you practice. This has been the definition of my life the past months leading up to this large, momentous event in my life. Tears, smiles, anxiety, excitement, and moments of utter terror have all crossed my path leading up to the moment when I looked back at my mom in the airport, waving and thinking that life would be drastically different the next time I see her.
This is the great paradox of life, isn't it? The moment we feel we have it all down, something changes and we are forced to open the next chapter in our lives. For some of us, it's starting a new job, getting married, or moving to another country and others it might be having a new baby, changing careers, going on a celebrity world tour, or travelling on a trip with a new love. For me, it happens to be moving all the way across country. For as far back as my UNH days, I can remember talking about the prospect of moving west. On my trusty check list of things to do in my life, moving west was near the top. What I didn't anticipate in deciding to proceed with this life dream, was the fear factor. That anxious, make you want to vomit, fearing the unknown feeling.

I was on a run the other day thinking about this random fear factor I have been facing the past few months and thought about the two kinds of people in this world. Those that are driven, challenged and excited by their fears and those that are completely paralyzed by it. I have been feeling quite paralyzed in moments throughout this process of moving, but it has not stopped me from chasing my dream towards this instinct to get outside of my comfort and try big things. Now, don't get me wrong. I am scared sh**tless, excuse my language. More so than I ever have in my entire life. But something about that fear and that drive to do something bigger than myself, and bigger for myself, drives me in a way I might never be able to put into words. One large lesson I have learned in this process, is not to anticipate what is to come. All that we can do is participate in the moment at hand, and enjoy every little piece of it we get. For at some point, that moment and the moments making up your current existence, will ultimately end or change into something entirely different.

In the routine of our everyday lives, it is so easy to lose that drive. We go through the motions, sometimes forgetting to appreciate that which we may take for granted. My hope for my entire life to come, is to continue to find and do those things on my checklist of life to drive myself towards bigger and better. Maybe next time it won't be a move cross country, it might be something on a much smaller level. But I desire to always force myself to do, and go and travel outside of my comfort. To face challenge and the fear factor straight in the face, and find power, growth and strength in change.

When do you know you've made it?

For those of you who know me well, you may know that I have a guilty pleasure for listening to bad rap music (sorry mom and dad). I think it's the dancer in me, who knows. So, I was working out today, which by the way is where I have my most profound thoughts, and a song by this hella awesome rapper Maino comes on and he says in one of his lyrics (those of you who know it, sing along) "...mad that I finally done made it, take a look and you can tell, that I'm destined for greatness. Tell me what do you see, when you looking at me? Who I'm mission to be, what I'm destined to be..." I got to thinking about what he means by "making it." These thoughts probably also stem from my high powered weekend full of events.

Brian and the Jonas Brothers! were in Boston for the past few days. Courtesy of my favorite, the one and only Brian Samuelson, I as well as privledged family members and friends were blessed to hold onto a purple laminent with the famous JB logo pinned to the front of it. Now, to be clear, in "tour world" (as I think the experience of this weekend can best be described), these laminents grant those who hold them access to all that is restricted to the 30,000 some odd other fans swarming the premises of the concert venue. Needless to say, and I think all those in attendance this weekend can agree with me, that it is an all mighty powerful feeling to hold one of these prized, purple, all access passes. For many moments during the weekend, I almost felt as if, and like I could be, a part of it all.

As the show days progressed, I was able to see all the work that Brian does on a daily basis (also, for anyone wondering, the photo displayed here is credit to Brian and also posted to the band's direct website :) ). The days included meeting the gorgeous and bubbly American Idol winner, Jordin Sparks, the up and coming opening band, Honor Society, hanging out with Jordin's hilarious, down to earth, passionate drum player and watching the pop Jonas sensations eat dinner and play ping pong. The funniest part? It felt so normal, as if I were meeting real live human beings! I couldn't wrap my head around the whole thing; how human and real these people we create to be larger than life actually were.

As I sat in third row, watching Jordin perform and watching the drummer, Mike, who we had hung out with days earlier for an entire night, I was completely blown away by their passion and committment to their craft. I got to thinking: I wonder if in their minds, when they are in front of those 30,000 people sharing their passion, they ever think "Wow. I've made it. This is it."

Everyone has childhood dreams. Whether it be to be the best health care provider in the nation, the next top executive, the next President of the United States, the next Michael Jackson, or becoming america's next teen pop sensation. For some of us, we dream to be famous dancers, to meet famous movie stars, to become a famous photographer, to contribute to finding a cure for cancer, end world hunger, or create world peace. Maino (mentioned above) dreamed of being a rapper, Martin Luther King had a dream for a better world, Obama has a dream to turn our country around. Who was that teen idol you dreamt of meeting? For some little girls, it's the Jonas Brothers and for some little boys, now much older, it was to meet Brutus the Barber Beefcake, the famous wrestler, who by no stroke of luck I was also able to meet this weekend (and I'm pretty sure he made many grown men's dreams this weekend as well when he handed out signed color glossy shots of himself at the Garden).

Ok, ok, so the point, Hallie. My point is, everyone has a dream. And for a brief moment this weekend, I was amongst those who have made it happen for themselves and created the environment to display their passion to the world. My question to you: what is your dream? What keeps you lying awake at night, dreaming of the day you might be able to become that well known "insert dream here?" When do you, or have you, said to yourself, "I have truly made it?"

Once you know what that dream is, create it. Go out and reach for it. And when you get there, make sure you say to yourself "Self, I've made it."

Family, and that's it.

The move is getting underway! I took my first load of stuff home this weekend to dump at my parents house, and more importantly, had an excuse to go home for a little R and R with the fam (not that I ever need an excuse).

I have never considered myself a home body. Not that I have ever considered it a bad thing at all, but my mindset has always been to go out, seek adventure, don't go home. This is probably a product (again) of a family always adventure bound. Also from grand parents and a blood line merchant marines, and world bound travelers. For these reasons, it has always been in my blood to seek adventure and explore. However, lately, I couldn't be more of a home body. This is potentially because of my imminent future: moving to somewhere completely unknown. I guess I am attempting to soak in all of the comfort I can now, since I know that I won't have it any time soon once I move.In my new found attitude for life (or should I say, more heavily practiced attitude) I found myself enjoying all of those really small moments this weekend.

Families are fascinating, aren't they? Where else can you find a group of completely like minded people who know you inside and out? Who know what makes you tick, and what absolutely ticks you off! The weekend was a mish mosh of Mom's 20 questions game, Dad playing devil's advocate to anything possible and Carrie spitting off any questions from Mom that she felt were not worthy of an answer. I sat on the couch listening to our conversation on Saturday afternoon, analyzing this that and the other thing, and all I could do was giggle to myself and think: this is it. This is the only place on earth that I am 100% myself and 100% understood, 100% of the time.

To paint perhaps one of the greatest part of the weekend: picture this. Carrie is driving, I am in the passenger seat. Mom and Dad are in the back seat, and we are on our way back from an awesome Italian dinner to get a movie and snuggle up on the couch. Mom and Dad are PURPOSELY trying to get Carrie and I to cringe while joking about how they should make out in the back seat. The two of them are giggling trying to get our goat, while I crank the music to tune them out so Carrie and I can jam to Michael Jackson. Blasting Jackson Five's "I want you back", the four of us proceed to scream the song at the top of our lungs in tribute to the King of Pop himself. I cracked a smile and thought: GOD, what dorks! Any onlooker would think we are a bunch of nutcases right now, and many people probably do. But who the hell cares, because its who we are and who we've got.

The end of the weekend wrapped up with a sunny evening dinner on the deck. All I could think on the way home, was how lucky I feel to have a functional, happy family who can only be described as "painfully normal" with some pretty hilarious quirks. I only hope I can be as lucky to create what my parents have created for us. Through years together, they have managed to maintain the bond that started the whole thing to begin with. Through the ups and downs of life, through work that is always demanding, a world that continues to speed up and where broken is more of the norm, they have never lost sight of what is most important. Family, and each other, and that is it.

We all have our own unique family history, and stories. And God bless us all to never lose sight of this most important factor in life.

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."

My cousin sent me this quote this afternoon, and it matches the idea I had yesterday for this post. I thought it'd be appropriate to title, as this quote is one of the most simple, poignant lessons in life.

As I was driving home yesterday, amoungst the usual "masshole" (sorry if that offends anyone) drivers, finding myself all worked up over my commute, a commercial came on the radio that got me thinking. It was for Wendy's, I believe, and the commercial was referencing how fast we all move on a daily basis. The man made a joke about how, we are moving so fast that when we stop to grab a bite to eat, we usually wind up burning the top of our mouths because we are rushing to eat so fast to get to the next thing. "Work, work, work, go, go go!" The commercial then states how buying a Wendy's salad somehow makes you stop and enjoy the delicious taste of the tender bites of chicken and walnuts, blah blah blah. I got to thinking. This job in particular, has allowed me to slow down from my life and lately, this has been my absolute focus.

I have realized, that growing up in an active, involved, fast paced family has in some ways shaped the life I lead in my adulthood. This is what I have always known. Go, go, go. Do, do, do. Produce, produce, produce. Frankly, I'd say about 90% of our nation operates under these same pretenses. It is no wonder why people have chronic pain, stress and irritability. Our nation has engrained in us that we should always be looking towards the next thing to come. The future. Out there is where things will be perfect, right? Forget about right now, what about 5 years from now? 10 years from now?

Well last week, my body had had enough. My mind was so full of future thoughts. Where is my life going, what uncertainties lie ahead, what is going to happen when I move, what does my future hold? These thoughts on top of my go, go, go mindset caused my body to physically react to the stress I have been putting on myself. I had about 4 days worth of migraine headaches, which quite honestly, are agonizingly horrible and something I have never experienced before. A trip to the doctor and a few calming thoughts later, I came to a major revelation in my life. I may not know much, but I do know this now. Life is merely a compilation of small moments, day by day. None of us know what lies ahead; whether we will become the next movie stars, president, lawyers, writers, sales people, dancers, artists, executives, teachers or public figures. Whether our hearts will be broken by someone, whether we will have children of our own, live in another state, or another country. Whether our economy will continue to downturn or rise and prosper again, or whether hatred will end and peace will prevail. Whether we will be plagued with illness at a young age, whether we will live till we are 100 years old or die tomorrow. All we can do is live each day to its fullest potential.

Recently, I decided for myself that each day I wake up from now on, I am going to ask myself...what will I do today to make this day really worth it? What truly makes me happy, and how (in a world that is so INCREDIBLY sped up) will I take the time to slow down and enjoy the small moments in my day that fill my heart with the love I give?

A wise person tells me everyday, to take things one day at a time. Perhaps I haven't truly understood this concept until now. Today, my joy will be in small, simple things. Meeting a friend for coffee in the sunshine on the grass. My drive home to CT and all the small moments I spend with myself in my car, listening to music and feeling the wind on my face. The glass of wine I will share with my parents over conversation on the deck. These small moments are now ways I consider how to slow down in this fast world we are a part of. Like that feeling of buying a brand new dress, that's just waiting to be worn in your closet. Make each moment like that feeling. Because life is only made up of moments that matter, and if we move too quick, we will miss them all.

I am choosing to take this wise person's advice. One day at a time. And if you ask me, its a good day so far.

IM MOVING!

It has been awhile since I have posted anything on here, but have recently decided that this blog will serve as a way to keep updated and remember the small details over the next period of my life because...I AM MOVING!

Yup. That's right. Shit. And, YAY! All at the same time. Since I was about a Junior in college, I remember telling my parents constantly that I wanted to move to the West Coast. I always had this idea in my mind that I wanted to adventure beyond the east, live somewhere else, meet new people, challenge myself, and continue this constant movement that seems to bless and plague my life, all at the same time. And now, I am finally doing it.

The hitch was about this whole idea, that I had to be smart. We are in an economic recession, where the unemployment rates to where my dream location in California would be are near 11%. The worst in the nation. Who the HELL, with steady income, friends, home and food, in their right mind would move in this economy to the WORST place in the nation for unemployment? Oh, and did I mention, without nearly any savings either? Not me. I couldn't do it, unless I did it the right way.

So I interviewed with EF, my old company, to work again in what I am passionate about: educational travel. I know the company, I know what they offer, I love the people, and I know the jobs like the back of my hand. And they had just opened a new office in LA county. Perfect. Done. Secured (post 3 interviews, might I add, and a slightly grueling interview process).

I recently went to a movie with my best friend and my roommate called "Away We Go." If you haven't seen it yet, it is an absolute MUST. The movie is inspiring, funny and touching. The take home message that I got was that life is uncertain. We don't know where it will take us, but perhaps the most important thing is to approach life with love. Love yourself first. When you love yourself, you can let love for others in. Love those who are close to you in your life. And then, share it. And even beyond that, pursue happiness. Take risks. Jump! You will be ok and life will work out the way it is supposed to. Have faith. Have faith in good, and righteousness, and happiness. And take solice in the small moments of each day, one day at a time.

These are the small, yet big lessons I have learned in the past weeks through perhaps one of the most difficult times I have had thus far, even though it could have been a whole lot worse.

So, away I go! Stay tuned for updates...

Weekend Wind Down

This post is following the last out of order, but I had to write about the weekend I had. This past weekend was one of the best I have had in awhile, although thinking about it, I have had some pretty damn good weekends lately. I really have nothing to complain about. :)

Friday rolled along, quicker than expected, after an uplifting and motivating meeting with my new boss about my current progress in this position. All good things, with thoughts of moving forward. I left work feeling rejuvinated, and excited for a night out with my crazy fun Brit friend Tessa, who I don't think I could ever go out with and have a bad time. We had decided earlier on in the week that we would venture out to some new dance clubs in the city for some good ol' fashion let your hair down girl fun! The venue: Felt nightclub, a popular venue in the city, good for pool, socializing and of course, dancing. The place was empty when we first arrived, so we decided to head next door to the latin club, Mojitos for some salsa and reggaetone. The music brought us both back to our seperate experiences in South America. When we needed a change of scene, we headed back to Felt to the top floor to check out the supposedly amazing DJ who comes every Friday. Wow, was I surprised! This DJ was honestly the only one who has kept me on the dance floor the entire night, I even took his card at the end of the night because of how impressed I was! We danced the rest of the night away, until we could no longer stand or sweat, and headed home for the night. As Tessa and I hugged goodbye, laughing, we both simultaneously blurted out "so much fun!" That, it was.

Dance Therapy

"The use of dance as a therapeutic tool is founded in the idea that body and mind are completely integrated. While the relationship between the mind and body is constantly being explored, theorised and discussed, the whole area certainly highlights the ingenuity of the creation and masterpiece in the human being."

"The theory underlying dance therapy is that body movement reflects the inner state of the human, and that by moving the body within a guided therapeutic setting, a healing process begins. Emerging inner conflicts and issues from the unconscious to the consciousness of the person are addressed on all levels - physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Seeking the full integration of mind and body, and bringing harmony between all the aforementioned levels of the human being is what dance therapy is all about (Evelyn Defina, Head of Dance, Wesley Institute for Ministry & the Arts)."

This is a good segway into the day that I had yesterday. The day was going ok, still attempting to adjust to a quiet, little to do, job. I attempted to keep my mind busy all day yesterday in hopes of not overthinking the world or overanalyzing myself into a coma. For the most part, I did pretty well! It's interesting having a lot of downtime to yourself during the day, I have been learning and exploring different parts of myself and my life, things I love and things I could do without. It is an interesting process, and an incredible opportunity to take a deep breath, learn patience and practice being in the moment. My day ended as planned at 4:30 yesterday, and I was all geared up to do some grocery shopping and head to dance for the first time in a number of weeks. I was excited to begin the rest of my day, only to walk out to the pouring rain and discover that my car had been towed from the street. Trying to stay calm and out of the rubble of my own misery, I proceed to dump my day and my feelings onto my mother, my brother and my loving boyfriend. Nice, right? My apologies to those. After an hour of debacle, I reached my car and paid my $93 to get my car on back on the road. I was so angry that a tow man could ruin the rest of my day, and decided to still venture to dance class after sitting in about an hour of traffic and convincing myself there would be no parking because of the Celtics game. But sure enough, God threw me a bone and there was parking all over the place! The rain kept people away, just in time for me to make my 6pm dance class. In class, all was peaceful. Mind, body and soul. I sweated out every ounce of anger, every negative thought, everything that had entered my path in the day and I used my soul for good and poured myself onto the floor. Moments and days like yesterday remind me never to forget to do what you love.

I hope you dance

Since I have started this blog (yesterday) my mind has been filled with thoughts of how dance and movement has touched my own life. For me, movement comes hand in hand with music. Those who know me, seldom see me standing still, and even less so when music is present. I was reflecting this morning on times in my life where dance has really been therapy and also a happy outlet for me when times have been tough. When I was in high school, both my mother and aunt were sick with cancer. It was a very difficult time for me, and I remember a song attached to that experience that I will never listen to and not think of my mom or my aunt. It is called "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack. I remember my mom playing it when she was sick, and how inspired I was by the song and what it stood for. My message for this post is that life is measured by small moments; don't take any one for granted. Love richly, live freely, and savor the moments.

"I Hope You Dance"

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances, but they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out, reconsider
Give the heavens above, more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you still feel small When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance I hope you dance

From the beginning of time, there was movement. Language came secondary, while movement spanned as a form of communication across animals and humans alike, uniting them in a unique way. Dance and movement has now become a way of artistic expression and reliant communication stretching from different cultures, countries and languages. I was browsing different photos of dancers and came across the one here and became inspired by the overlap that happens between dance and culture. This particular picture was taken in India, where dance is an intricate form of art. Dance in India is based on mudras, or hand formations, and their meanings and categorizations. All the dance forms revolve around the nine rasas or emotions, Hasya (happiness), krodha (anger), bhibasta (disgust), bhaya (fear), shoka (sorrow), viram (courage), karuna (compassion), adbhuta (wonder) and shanta (serenity). All dance forms follow the same hand gestures or hasta mudras for each of these rasas. The dances differ where the local guru has adapted it to local demands and needs.

It is no secret that movement is a uniting force, and I intend to connect all that is movement to all forms of artistic expression.