Fresh fruit, barefeet, running shoes...

Ahhh...summer. It's finally here. The time that all of us wait and work towards all year. There is something about the summer that breathes relaxation. I find myself at incredible peace in continuing in this journey and adventure I am on.

The year has brought many different stresses of life: work, moving, being away from those I love, etc. The summer has somehow breathed life back into me in many different ways.

One of the things about moving all the way cross country is that I have been forced to build and create something different away from all that I have created the past 24 years of my life. This has proven to be a big challenge. Moving, as I had hoped, has brought me to my center and looking inward as to what I hope to create for myself moving forward. Everytime I visit home, I always tell people that my life back east is all about my friends and family. It is about social events, parties, gatherings and obligations and all that was my livlihood. California, is soley about me. It is about learning to be on my own, learning to turn inward when I have no one else to turn to but God and myself. I have pushed and pulled and writhed and lost sleep over trying to "figure everything out." The voices playing in my head are extremely frustrating, but what I found is that the harder I try to figure it out, the less things fall into place.

I had a professor that always used to tell me this. "Hallie, stop trying to figure it out!! Let your life reveal itself to you." Yeah, right. I thought the exact same thing as you probably are thinking right now! What the HELL does THAT mean? Reveal itself?! That is a load of bull, if I've ever heard it. The past few months however, this concept has continued to remind me of those classes I sat in back in college. With not a huge social network, working from home, not many obligations in California, I was finding this whole "reveal itself" concept to be an entire load of crap.

All that changed about a month ago, when I decided to focus on what is most important in this whole equation: me. Life is so busy sometimes, and so filled with so many obligations we make to one another, to our partners, to our work, to our family and friends, we forget to take care of ourselves and take moments to relax and just BE. Let me personalize, I forget to take care of me. Lately, I have started focusing on eating really healthy, eating more fresh fruit and vegatables, drinking more tea, more water, reading books of interest, spending more time at the ocean, excercising/dancing as much as possible and my biggest venture was signing up for a sprint triathlon on October 10th benefiting the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society!! (donate here: http://pages.teamintraining.org/los/HermosaT10/hpopex sorry, that's my only plug)

I have been sleeping through the night (which was a problem for several months). I am more relaxed during the day with less anxiety and overall in a peaceful state of mind. I think I have realized that people will only learn to treat you the way you want them to, by the way that you treat yourself. If you take care of yourself first, while allowing others to happen to you and continue to stand your ground, the result can only be positive. We are the only ones responsible for how we percieve our lives and how others treat us. So, lead by example, and remember to set time aside for you and only you. The only person you have control over, is yourself.

Expect the Unexpected

It's funny living in LA. It's actually funny living in a place that you are not used to, did not grow up in, and don't entirely understand. I can say, that I am starting to learn about this place and it is making me think about what I want my life to look like. One thing that is extremely hard to miss is the "Hollywood mentality." I am so incredibly close to it out here, I can't help but to ponder what it's all about.

We are constantly exposed to the media. TV shows, magazines, tabloids, billboards; it seems that it is always being pushed in our face. However, if I may make a huge/general sweeping statement, I would say that America on the whole (or what is being pushed in our face anyway) is missing "it." It seems that so many people think that life, love and happiness is all rolled into one thing: money, fame and fortune. I tend to think that it is entirely opposite.

Its interesting how certain messages in life come to you at the exact moment you need them, and it always seems that they tend to get louder and louder every time they speak to you. If you have no idea what I mean or am talking about, let me explain. It is no secret that there are multiple stories (eh hem, Sandra Bullock/Jesse James, Tiger Woods, Brad Pitt) about infidelity, divorce, deceit and unfaithfulness in the media. It seems that every week there is a new couple that TV shows and magazines focus on; who cheated, who stole, who broke someone's heart, etc. What the heck is going on? Why are people doing such hurtful awful things? I started thinking about this, way back when all of the madness seemed to call out to me in some way in my own life as well.

I recently attended a church service in where the sermon talked about how many husbands and wives get divorced every year and that we are "missing it." About a week later, a friend recently told me that over 200,000 marriages will end every year before the first two years. And just the other day, I read an article in Psychology Today talking about marriage, expectations, love and our association to it and that we have it a bit backwards. I am starting to see a pattern and a trend, something that the vast majority of Americans tend to miss (I think).

I am beginning to realize that love, marriage and family is not what you see in the movies. It is not what you see on TV. It is not perfect, but actually completely imperfect, which is the biggest paradox of all. Our generation has been tricked. We have set ourselves up with crazy expectations and standards for our mates and our lives. The beautiful romantic movies and love stories we read about have us believing in perfect love. You see, before we even meet the person of our dreams, we have already clearly defined their roles and what they are going to do for us. We have outlined how they are going to fill our needs and live up to our expectations. SHAME ON US! How does this concept allow any two people to ever create anything together that is not located in the tiny box that we have created? We might not even know we have met the person of our dreams because we are too busy trying to match them up to the person we created in our heads. I think it all comes down to expectations.

I am someone who LOVES to look forward to things. I create these exciting little experiences in my head that I play out before even really experiencing them. Its fun, it gets me through my day, and I thrive on the enthusiasm of it. I am realizing, however, it is unrealistic to expect people in my life to live up to this tiny world that exists in my head.

So, what is my point? Each of us are different, and that is what makes love, life and creating life with someone so beautiful and mysterious. We don't know what is around the corner, and we cannot expect that our partners will know either. We need to communicate from a place of indifference with people, with a calm curiosity for another point of view, and appreciate that they come from a different place. This is how we grow and learn to become better people. Recognize that the only person who knows what you need, is YOU. Remember that you have all the tools to fill every need that you have, and the rest is all the icing.

Someone once told me that we shouldn't take life too seriously because none of us make it out alive anyway. At the end of it all, I want to look back on a beautiful, unexpected, mysterious dance that I created with the people and person that I love and the pieces of life I took from each one. We are the only ones in charge of our own happiness, and everyday it is a choice.

My choice is to journey on, love from a place that is completely selfless and expect only the unexpected.

My Pursuit of "Happy-ness"

If you were to ask me a year ago what made me happy, I would have answered you with something completely different than what I would say now. Moving all the way across the country has taught me so much about myself, and has revealed many things about life that I would have never guessed.

Being away from everything I know has certainly forced me to be even more independent. For the past 24 years, my life has mainly been about my family, friends and social outlets. I have always had a large network and support system, and have had people that are close to me surrounding me my whole life. Moving to California, I have started to realize that my life is starting to become less about the people I love and my social plans, and more about me. It is a crazy feeling, one similar to when I went abroad, to be stripped away from everything you know and left trying to figure out who the hell you are and what in the world makes you happy. It is a much more difficult answer to find than question to ask.

So what I have come up with is this: People can be unreliable. They move, things change, friendships end, people go in different directions, you lose touch, they cancel on you, disappoint, make you extremely happy, or extremely sad. I have also come to the conclusion that the only real person you can rely on is yourself. At any given moment, things can change. Nothing is certain, nothing is promise. Above and beyond, you are the only one who can make yourself happy.

I guess we all know this intrinsically, but somehow the answer to this question is seemingly difficult to find. What makes me happy? Well, I have put together my "toolkit of happiness" (if you will) and listed it below.

My Toolkit (reliable, safe, never disappointing, will not cancel on me)

- Dancing and performing for people

- Going for a long run to the ocean

- Reading a good book

- Going to the beach

- Exploring a new area

- Sitting at a coffee shop and writing

- Picking up a new hobby or sport

- People watching

- Listening to music, seeing a live show

- Taking pictures

- Shopping at open markets

- Watching the sunset

- Taking a yoga class

- Going for a long hike

I am still exploring the things that make me happy, and am in constant pursuit of my happy place. Little by little, I am finding that place. It is a strong and empowering feeling to know these things about myself and feeling completely self reliant and happy, each day.

What is in your happy-ness tool kit? :)